Incomplete Surrender

When I look back at my life, the one decision that took me a long time to arrive at, was my decision to surrender to Jesus’s call in my life to go full-time. I found it especially hard because of what I had seen my parents go through as full-time workers during my childhood. I did not want that for myself. Still I felt this tug on my soul, a beckoning to come follow Him where He wanted to lead me. So after a period of much struggle, I ‘gave in’. I was surprised to find that, contrary to my expectations, life did not become difficult.

It, in fact, became more me-like.

Allow me to explain.

Once I surrendered, I found out through a series of events that teaching and not nursing (the career I was pursuing) gave me great joy. And when I say great joy, think ecstatic, dancing wild, going crazy joy. I was happy. In few years after that first discovery, I also discovered that I could not be truly happy marrying someone doing a regular job. No offense to those who do regular jobs. I knew I had to be with someone who was in full-time ministry. I just knew it. So when Royce, who had entered mission work just one year before, asked me to marry him, after a period of prayer and consideration, I knew for sure he was the right person and this was the right decision.

So here I was in full-time ministry as a teacher in a tribal school – something I would have clearly run far away from if I had known where the surrender would have led me. But at the right time, I found myself being fully me, embracing the gifts of embracing my call.

I wonder, why I resisted surrendering to Christ…

I resisted because I thought He would make me do something I did not want to do (which He did).

I resisted because I dreaded that He would take me into the jungle (which He did).

But what I did not expect was that that surrender, half-hearted and incomplete though it was, led me to my deepest happiness, my utmost fulfilment and my surest joy. My surrender to Him led me to live and be who I was meant to be.

Has that made it easier to surrender? Absolutely no. But I am becoming aware of my resistances and I know I can tell Him what I am feeling. And I know He loves me enough to walk with me through my fears till I find my joy in discovering freedom through surrender.

Invitation to reflect:

Do you sense God’s invitation to surrender? Perhaps He is calling you to embrace your true self, the purpose for which you were created. You may want to take some time to reflect on what He is calling you to do. Is it something you truly love? Why is there resistance? Spend some time talking to Jesus about it.

A song to listen:

I love this song because it is true to our struggles to surrender. Give it a listen.

The Triune God is with us and for us in our surrender and even in the lack of it.

Photo by Nikita Nikitin: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-of-mother-and-child-holding-hands-14005325/